I hated it!
It mostly was full of the facts, which really aren't pretty.
I guess I don't know how to really write about them....
It sounds so stupid to say that "I'm ok" or "I will be fine".
But I really do feel that way.
I am sad. Very sad. I mean I went from thinking about names, wondering if it was a boy or a girl, thinking about a nursery, checking out double strollers, and being excited about a new baby to feeling... well, empty.
This whole process has been painful.
My heart hurts.
My head hurts.
My body hurts.
However I really don't want to stay here in this painful place.
I want to move on.
I don't want to forget it.
I don't want to ignore it.
But I just can't stay here.
When I look around I see that God has blessed me.
He gave we a WONDERFUL husband. I never would have made it through the weekend without him. Josh really was my hero!!!! If I told you all the things that he has done for me the last couple of days, you would be amazed at him too. I really love him. I mean REALLY love him!
Then I look at Alyse and think that I am so lucky to be her mommy. After all of this I have her! And her smile just makes me smile.
I think that there will be moments that I want to cry. I also admit that I have had these thoughts were I think "How did all this happen?!". But when I say that I am ok, I really am.
Sunday afternoon while I was laying in a hospital bed, our Pastor text me and told me that he was praying for peace for me. When I read it on my Blackberry screen I started to tear up because that is the perfect word that I would use to describe how I feel. I don't understand it all, I don't necessarily like it all... but I do feel a peace about it.
Psalm 29:11
The LORD gives strength to his people;
the LORD blesses his people with peace.
16 comments:
Praying for you all Stephanie as you work through this and I and glad that you are feeling peace in it all. God is good!
grief is this horrible process...and the only way to get to the other side is to go through it...(kelly hubatka told me that once)...but i think you'll be glad one day you wrote the last post because you'll be able to see what God has done through the pain...
i'm still praying for you -
love
jess
p.s. you are probably one of my favorite bloggers - i don't know if i've ever said - but you write with a vulnerability and hope that continues to draw me in...
i hate your last post too! but i'm thankful that you were able to allow us into what was happening, which allowed us to pray for you!
i know this has to suck! i can't say i know what it is like, or understand what it is like, but i do know that no matter what, God did this for a reason, he needed that precious baby B with him, and he knows that you are strong enough to allow that to happen!
as sure as i know anything, i know that our Lord is amazing, and his plan for our lives is so much more exciting than we can even imagine!
I am so glad you have peace. Only God can do that....and I know He is holding you every step of this process.
I am still praying for you!
I am proud of you, and how you are handling this season in your life. I have been praying for your healing, and I have been praying that you see through all of this how blessed you already are in your beautiful family of three. You are at peace with God having it all under control, and I admire your faith my friend.
Still praying, friend. . . Let me know if there is any way I can help.
Stopping by from Lynnette's blog to let you know I'll be praying for you and your sweet family!
I came over fro Lynette's blog with Getting to Know you, I just want to say that I understand how you must feel. I put a baby up for adoption 8 years ago and I never had any of the emotions or feelings that I was "supposed" to have either. God just gave me a huge amount of peace about it. I am glad that he has blessed you with peace as well. I will be praying for you. God Bless you!
Chelsi
I am praying for you, too. We also lost one at 10 weeks & it was not easy. I doubt it ever is.
God's blessings on you & your family. I hope it goes as well as possible.
Hi! I am just stopping by from Lynnette's....Congrats on being featured! I am so, so sorry for your loss and I will be praying for you. Your little girl is so precious! And I was lovin' the high school photos too. :) You're making me feel old because I graduated in '94! Ha!!
Stopping by from Lynett's blog. I miscarried at 6 weeks. It is very hard and will take a while to get over. I am glad you are finding peace. Keep your head up.
Oh Stephanie. I'm SO sorry for your loss! I'm visiting your blog from Lynnette's Getting To Know You. Please, please know that I'll be praying for you.
I recently wrote a post about my angel baby. Maybe it will encourage you. The peace God gives is totally unexplainable. http://www.happyhousewifelivinglife.com/2009/07/remembering-my-angel-baby.html
So sad for your loss and praying for continued peace - what a great God we serve who can bring us peace in the heaviest sadness!
Stopping over from Lynnette's today. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. Praying for continued peace and healing in your heart.
(((HUGS)))
Tonya
How beautifully written. This almost brought me to tears, I am so so so thankful that you are at peace. I can't imagine how difficult this particular situation is, but the feelings you described hit home in a lot of ways with how I've been feeling about Jana. Especially "I don't want to forget it, I don't want to ignore it, I just want to move on." That's exactly how I'm feeling. I know they are totally different circumstances, but thanks for that, it summed up something I've been feeling in a way I was not able to. Please know that you continue to be in my prayers.
I am admired at your love and strength! Makes me want to hug you and I will continue to pray for you and your family.
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